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Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a happy life, I’ve faced very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has influenced both my personal and work life. It irritates my family and friends and co-workers, and then I get upset when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Questioning

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that therapy might benefit me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or exposure, by admitting perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and worry.

Even reflecting afterward can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This journey will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward change.